


Gone

by poetssoul



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alcoholism, Drug Use, Hallucinations, M/M, Suicide, drugdealer!Crowley, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-14 08:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1260352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetssoul/pseuds/poetssoul





	Gone

Emotions corroded as they multiplied in magnified strength until my inner being was numbed beyond being thawed. Loss had always been felt, but never as intense as now when it seeped into the marrow of my bones; hollowed by sorrow. The weight pressed down on my burdened heart even while I sat in a crumbled heap next to the piled dirt as my knuckles whitened at the grip I held on the handle of the too used to create the hole in the ground waiting to consume the body held in my lap with the lifeless cheek rested on my shoulder just like it used to when it was filled with life. I tried so hard to bring back the only reason I remained alive for so long, but I had been too late in an attempt to have him pursuaded back onto the path to fight for the life I was now forced to continue on my own.

"Sammy, I'm sorry." I choked out as silent tears burned once they fell, both my face and the follicles I buried into wetted heavily from the pained rain of such a tragic event's passing. Too soon it still felt, but now it was the moment I denied to acknowledge at all, my fingers unable to release the hold on creviced fissures of flesh that no longer responded to the touch given, though I forced myself to be lifted onto shaken limbs as the short distance between was crossed. With one last kiss placed against those paled lips, I lowered the plaid and Jean covered corpse I still refused to have salted and burned into the underground dwelling that replaced the comforted confines of the bunker, eyes plastered shut with the flood of cleared liquid that flowed more swiftly as soon as the shovel was picked up once more, filled with the darkened grains of earth dug up just moments before.

Just as I always had done, I had protected my younger brother up until the last moments that led to where we were now. I had fought tooth and nail as I forcefully demanded the staff to do their job instead of standing by and allowing an absent entity replaced by angel who sought revenge, though of course, it had not been enough to have them fully convinced even when the end was inevitable. Too stubborn, I relied on the angel who answered my prayers and appeared to my sibling with the intention to have him convinced to give consent, worn out from how much I begged. 

"I'm going." he had answered.

"Sam, listen to me. I made you a promise in that church. You and me, come whatever. Well, hell if this ain't whatever.. But you got to let me in. You got to let me help. There ain't no me if there ain't no you." I confessed, the fire blazed throughout my entire being as it trembled, awaiting the answer that would decide.

"I-I'm sorry, Dean." It broke my heart the instant it was declared, a weakened palm cupped around my jaw to steady the last action acted out, phantom lips fitted into place against my own before I was casted out back into complete consciousness where I stood adjacent to the hospital bed, completely alone now that I registered the angel disappeared just as the droned tone of the heart monitor ran horizontal along the screen.

Now I was lost to a filled world without my partnered guide by my side as it had always been, even during the multiple times he had tried to distance from the lifestyle. It followed him like a shadow, a puddled darkness that spilled over the brink of him, already filled to the brim with what tainted. That's what he would have said, despite my constant reassurance that it could never destroy what purity was hidden away deeper within; an argument no longer in use. 

Weighed down by being sickenly emptied, I stumbled on my way to the Impala, shaking as my hand curled around the handle of the door pulled open while I sat in my usual position trying to gain composure before I drove off. A final breath taken in, I finally slammed the opening shut and pressed down on the pedal once I reversed, left to slowly sink deeply under the quick sand that covered the whole of my mind on the way to a home I no longer would be able to become comfortable with again. There was one thing left to do now that the burial was completed, yet I couldn't bear to go through the contents that belonged to a man no longer around no matter how urgently it needed to be done.

A faint tone emitted from the cushioned surface beside me in the vehicle, jolted out of the self-induced reverie created. Immediately, I grabbed for the phone and answered, hoping against hope that this was an elongated dream sequence, and we were only temporarily separated. "Sammy?" 

"Hello, Dean." 

"Oh, its you, Cas." It came out unenthusiastically. I didn't mean for it to, but it could not be helped as reality sliced as a heated blade stabbed into the pit of my ragged soul that seemed to remain intact.

"You don't seem very happy to hear my voice."

"Its not like that, man."

"Then what is it like?" 

"It's Sam. He.. didn't make it." I answered, pulled back into the burnt chill that descended once the end result came into play, unable to be warmed from the dulled sensation vibrating throughout.

"I'm sorry." he tried to give as sympathy not fully understood; an attempt appreciated for what it was worth. "Is there anything I can do?"

You could bring my brother back. I refrained from having the roughened request voiced, for I knew it would be made in vain. Silence spread out, taking me into an embrace hard to be released from. "Just give me time to cope." I decided upon.

"Your wish is my command. Keep me informed of when you're ready for my returned company." 

"Sure thing."

The cellular was tossed back to where I picked it up from once the conversation had ended as I choked back a sob that would not have been able to be ignored, only allowed to have it released into the silence once my lungs screamed for space to breathe. It was meant to only last briefly, yet once it was unleashed, it pooled into a wave broken into the fragile sands outlining the edged waters contained; no longer completely confined. It went on like that for several long minutes, even as I parked where the transportation usually stayed, not daring to trust my legs until I calmed, going into the underground lair inhabited no longer by two occupants; separated.

Once inside, I immediately went to the fridge, a beer grabbed and opened hurriedly in order to ease the pained feelings into submission despite the limited time of how long it would continue to be in effect. Even with the swallowed substance taken, I can't stomach having those items rummaged through, for as long as they were sorted in the same positions sorted into, a part of him was still there and to have them so suddenly disarrayed would only be an insult thrown to the memories preserved. Instead, I settled on the option of closing myself farther off from the rest of the world in the bedroom once shared, hit by such a brutal force once I rolled over as I usually did when Sam joined me on the mattressed piece of furniture, put into place as soon as his cheek fell onto my chest where it belonged in the presence of sleep unable to still be fought off much longer. Loneliness replaced the male taken on as a lover despite being connected by blood spilled more than once in able to have him defended much to the same extent did in return, a void filled only by a ghosted fantasy that I would awake to his heavier frame slightly pressed down onto me, as if afraid I was more fragile and needed to be protected, though I knew it was a cruel joke I tried to fool myself into believing, hoping for the warmth embedded between our shared auras so close together replaced by the chilled essence of the opposite element presented the moment after he was covered fully. There was no escape issued, and sooner or later I had to come to terms with that fact presented as well, for it was also real, though it did not pierce through the veiled harshness I lived with now; my heart burdened by still being firmly wrapped around the other in a synced fashion unable to be paused even in death.

* * *

Life continued, barely, as I kept on without my other half, each time awoken to a refreshed day that brutually reminded on where my brother was at, caught in the worst torture scene ever played out. At first, I thought only Lucifer could master such an illusioned pain that seeped through, the boundary line between reality and fiction crossed in twisted ways no one else could have conjured up until it was reminded that even the Devil was no match for my actual number one enemy; myself.

Finally, after a week had sped by I decided that it was time to box up all the possessions and have them stowed away where they now belonged out of sight, out of mind as I convinced myself to unearth cardboard boxes kept from various trips that required such a mundane tool, I sucked in a breath held in for far too long as I mustered up the courage to have the threshold crossed over, gasping as I was forced to release it. Unable to prevent it, I entered, crouched in the middle of the floor as the task was hurried through with feelings locked away with no key to have it unlocked until after it was completed. Though to no avail, it was let loose as soon as my lip quivered at the touch of fabric from where it was uncovered, pressed to my chest while tears burned the edge of my eyelids, fallen into the abyss of the bunched shirt pulled away so as not to ruin the scent of soulmate inhaled. The task pursued ignored, I lifted myself up with the balled shirt curled under my chin, cradled like a newborn as I climbed back into the bed marked with the print of my body, the thick blanket surrounded as a cocoon of warmth buffeted more comfortably now that I was accompanied by a piece of the man no longer physically around, as I drifted off to an actual sleep embedded with purpose kept at bay.

The smell lingered in my nostrils long after it evaporated from the cloth I carried with me everywhere, having lasted a month longer than expected as if it also wanted to cling to the piece of fibered strings attached; a purpose always served dutifully. It was something I had failed at, and now consequences were placed though they were welcomed, for at least they tried to fill in the space no longer occupied by whom I let down in the very end after so many elongated years spent in order to keep each other alive.

As a result, I spiraled out of control. It started when I broke the oath promised to not resume such a risked behavior which was carried out except on the few occasions when we decided it was an appropriate enough situation. Now it was dire in order to prevent the bottled emotions from crippling as they had in the beginning, becoming a modified machine of mortality that ran on alcohol. It was not the most efficient way to keep going forth, but if it allowed survival it was better than nothing, especially when I began to grow tired of life in general, since being a shell of my former self was an insult inflicted.

Soon after, the intoxicating beverages no longer affected me; an immunity built in a defense not desired. It was only a matter of time before I broke down again from the absence, so I emerged from the dwelling reclused. Not trusting my stability, it was decided that my legs would be used rather than have the possibility of the vehicle I loved happen. Besides, an automobile would only attract more attention than actually needed where I was headed and this was an occurance that needed to be discreetly executed. Hands stuffed deep into the pockets of my jacket, I went on, my nerves being soothed while I walked in order to go through with the action practiced in the depths of my mind left untouched by griefs insanity. 

The echo of my boots impacted by the concrete underneath made it easier to approach the shadowed figure leaned against the wall of an emptied building on the outer parameter of the town approached to be exchanged an escape capable of having the pain nursed to a faint essence. Anxiety built up quickly as this was anticipated, pushed aside just as quickly as it had came into fruition as I lifted onto the raised street corner lit dully by the lamppost hovered overhead.

"Are you Crowley?" I asked as I approached.

"Who wants to know?" the other questioned, his gruff British accent guarded in the same manner as his posture.

"I was hoping to do some business with you, if you know what I mean."

"Its one of those calls, eh? Well, luckily I came prepared." 

Nodding, I watched as he opened the left side of his suit jacket to my view and drew out a small plastic bag filled with a handful of colored pills, handing them over once the fee was paid. "For a first time user, I would take it easy."

"You don't have to worry."

"I can't have my customers dying on me. Its no way to earn any profit."

"Thanks." I grumbled before I turned on my heel and made my way back the way I came with the newly acquired drug shoved under one of my fists, careful enough to have it guarded. If it brought stability, then it was welcomed no matter what side effects would come into play even if they progressed further into tormented projections weighed upon bodily limitations, for I was more than willing to take on every ounce of them in order to quit feeling like an emptied shell that once contained a soul worth staying around.

Back inside the confined space of the home I continued to be shelthered by I immediately entered the room I spent the most time in both sleep and consciousness, perched upon the cushioned surface covered with what warmth was provided to at least try to prevent the ice from being coated around the remainder of me. Curled up with my back pressed into the pillows underneath, I uncovered the purchased substance from where it hid, and held it in my palm as I stared down at it, only opening the sealed plastic once it was reassured that the decision made would be carried out without a hitch. Between my thumb and forefinger, I held one of the ovals gently, my lips parted slightly to place it onto my tongue; swallowed reluctantly still.

At first, I felt nothing, which had been expected just as any other pharmaceutical, until a tingled surge surrounded moments after while the tremble of my heart matched the ragged change in my breathing. Throughout the duration I clung on with the strength stored, persuaded slowly to have my firmed grip released, slightly struggling against it during the whole battle between reality and the imagined, doing as best as possible until a familiar figure caught my attention out of my peripheral sight, everything else forgotten in an instant. "Y-You're here." 

"I never really left." the sound of my brother's voice resonated clearly, my breath staggered more as contact was made with the slight stroke of skin on skin.

"But, you've been gone this whole time." I reasoned through the haze.

"It doesn't mean I stopped completely, for I'm returning a debt owed."

The realization hit harder than any priorly felt, as it gave a glowed aura heated by those echoed words; emotions that screamed emphasis essential. Regardless of being separated by death, he had made it his duty to keep me protected to the best of abilities harnessed by the spirit stayed due to loyalty never to be undone.

"I thought I could manage. Oh, how wrong I ended up being."

"You've done it long enough."

"What do you mean?" It didn't really have to be answered, as I understood as soon as it settled. The thought crossed my mind a few times while I was stricken with the emotions hardly handled before this event; casually considered. Now that it faced me in this formed entity, it seemed unthinkable in every sense of the word, though it was barely lived fully at all. Attachment wilted my core, though it simply was allowed, as long as the strained strands connected were not frayed from the chain linked, and now that it yanked in the direction distanced, there were not very many options left to turn to.

"It means, come with me."

"I know, Sammy, but how?" 

"Just let it go." I heard quoted from the speech given to the one who repeated it before this happened. 

All the drugs in this world would never save me from the self-impended doom haunted, as it always took apart what came together from the pieces broken off in glittered shards stabbed in the flesh that covered, yet all the damage destroyed was an internal sense dulled down by the truth unnoticed until now. I couldn't live without whom was made to be my other half, whether or not it was selfish.

Suddenly it made sense as I pondered the ultimate choice made in that instant. With my weight pushed off the bed and supported by limbs numbed by the enhanced pills, the way was made to the dufflebag that usually carried an excess of our supplies in case of a shortage during a hunt, sifted through as the contents were thrown aside in the search. Finally, the solidly silkened object was carressed in my grasp while a rounded bullet replaced the emptiness felt by both, cocked into position in order to fix another life ruined beyond any repair offered.

Placed into the dipped crevice of my temple, my eyes fluttered to a close while the final scene played in my mind in full detail: the shot fired plunged deeply into an organ that registered deception given in return for all given, the scarlet river that trailed down from the entrance wound in smooth, riveted motions as it sprayed in a foamed arch formed, all directed perfectly as the soul captured transcended to where it belonged. Once it was carried out, silence only shrouded. The light faded showered the towered spirit that held me as I drifted, the way led from his guided reassurances soothed into the fabric unraveled from the sown seams positioned into place; ripped out as a ragged reminder.

Gone in the moment, the fire reduced to meer embers radiated, welcomed to replace the iced over vortex put into motion once he had disappeared. Now, I joined the oblivioned abyss even if it was in a less honored fashion than welcomed, for we were together in an entirity never to be ridden of as the vibrated will of love stretched out, embraced once more.

"What took you so long?" Sam questioned, as if insulted.

"Doesn't matter anymore, but what does is that I'm here now." I replied while my arms snakes around his firmed figure, pulled closer into my framed shape, a fragile kiss placed on phantomed mouths in an embraced passion emblazened in a sworn secrecy on full display that this romance tested never really could be, in any way fathomed, ended.


End file.
